Ideas for funny movie segments. "Scenes we'd like to see." These should be enough to get you started, as you all are searching so desperately for them, according to web statistics.
My favorite character : Ernest P. Worrell. E.g., Economics. Note however that I am unaware of most stars post-1994 .
(Actually I found that being a TV star is quite silly and not for me, and have mothballed my TV years ago, and only listen to the news radio.)
Index:
Applicable worldwide> Names) A Boy named Barksdale; That's "Neurdsbeurg"; Power company) Why the power outage?; Power out until when please?; Massage away spare kilowatts; The President) Presidential Piss; President vs. tangerine; Waiting for the President; President's portrait on the ceiling; Presidential parrot; Transportation) Buses: Beans for bus fare; Bus doesn't stop ... boom; Right to pee; Taxis: Floating taxi driver; Magic carpets: Magic carpet lands in the wrong side of town; Beam me back, to the time and place in the EXIF headers; Electronics) Tweezenthaller still tweezing his toes; Listening to music: Headphone cord too short; The CDROM drawers were opening and closing; Mafia music enforcement squad; Telephones: Funeral ringtones; Couldn't call Mr. Zero; Spam email: Maxwell Smart gets a spam; Insects) Evil ants; Even the roaches have left; Firefly cops; Food) Inappropriate foreign aid; Chopstick interception; Cat feces flavor barbecue; Backwards eating; Nobody listens too me except at dinner; Tastes so good, I forgot the wife and kids; Catch the jackfruit; Yeast powder into pants; Food left in fridge really too long: evolved into fist that grabs you by the neck; Appearances) The give me back my spots movement; Clothes: Earthquake? Get yourself presentable, son.; Gorillas with Visa cards; Gangster clothes; Patriotic clothes; Footware) Shoes stolen at nudist camp; Shoe massage ; Giant shoes at door; Slippers: Presentable slippers; Slippers under investigation; Old folks) Grandpa: Out and about with grandpa; Grandma: Grandma pinches mayor's butt; Superstition) Weather: Predict typhoon path with an Ouija board; The unlucky temperature, 22 deg. C; Etc.) I fixed the police bird; Upper crust and disinfectant; Dentists' masks; Expert kiss; Have a kid; Tape measure on elastic band; Taiwan specific> Garbage truck melody: heartwarming; ; ; ; Fortunetelling, superstition, etc.) Names round robin; Change your name to your friends name; Sleep 90 degrees; Foreigner turns to Pinyin fortunetelling;
With John Belushi, and Dan Aykroyd as Barksdale.
Rough childhood:
Later, young Barksdale attempted to convince the census authorities that it was all a computer glitch: they had obviously confused his town of birth with his name, but was told: "We don't have a entry field for PETS' names, but OK, if you insist, 'Mr. CALIFORNIA, Davis'"... whereupon he ran out of the office before the lady threateningly pressed the "Enter" key.
Bored with his given name, the other kids now began to conjecture on all the other GARB... words in the dictionary that his parents' maiden names must have been amalgamated from (garbonzo? garbologist? garble?). This was the last straw, and young Barksdale jumped from a bridge.
When he awoke three weeks later, doctors had removed the middle third of his name. But the incompatible consonant clusters left him scarred for life, but oddly did seem to improve his dating average. 2009.05.14.
Game over, Dr. Nurdsburg. I'm arresting you for violation of statute 4536: taking over the planet by means of force.
The name is "Neurdsbeurg": (Expand) ! 2007.01.22.
Because an elbow hit the big red button when throwing up arms in victory gambling at the power company office. (With visors and cigars as in very habitual.) Or say at the nuke plant. 2007.04.30.
We telephone the power company and say in a demanding voice: "How do you expect me to dry my hair without power? Will it there be power by seven o'clock? That's when my favorite show is on. How do you expect me to entertain guests with a non-working blender?..." 2007.10.20.
Every month I just can't seem to use more electricity than the basic charge of NT$84 (US$2.50). How to not waste each month's extra electricity entitlement? Buy a massage chair... ah yes, this is the life... as we fall asleep only to wake up the next day still jiggling, chair or not. Does daddy have Parkinson's? 2007.09.
The president is visiting a National Scenic Site and gets the urge to urinate, however there is no toilet. So the Secret Service agents form a circle and open up their briefcases into bullet proof shields to block other tourists' line of sight.
According to regulations, one agent must remain by the President's side at all times (protecting the "family jewels".)
The result is such a scene, with more and more gawkers encircling, that this piss will have to be rescheduled. 2007.11.25.
P.S., how about a title for a movie: "The longest piss". (Not just a short video of which there are many.) 2009.09.04.
A little kid drops a tangerine by accident and it rolls toward the President's entourage. All the Secret Service agents jump out of the way (sissies!), and the President stops it cold with just a cold look from his eyes. The crowd gasps... all along he was a warlock! 2007.12.24.
The tourist is waiting for the President to come out of the puppet theater so he can take a picture.
He says to the security men "Can you ask him to hurry up, my batteries are getting low." Time goes on and the president must be really having a good time or something. "Is he sleeping in there?" The security man replies, "No, he never does that."
Finally the tourist's jet-setting friends happen upon the scene. "Tell him sorry, but I've just got to go. Tell Him he can call me some time, it's OK, the number is on (this name) card. Bye (as he jets off with them). 2007.04.14.
Tired of the President's beady eyes starting at you all day in your government office? Why not move his portrait to the highest place of honor, the ceiling? Form some flypaper into a loop. Adhere it to the back, and within two or three toss attempts, it should stick to the ceiling. 2005.08.21.
And what to do with all those Presidential Portraits when he retires? Hang them on the electric fences that keep monkeys away from fruit trees (here in Taiwan, or cows etc. where the reader lives). Then after the monkeys associate the portrait with pain, one can save on new fencing by just hanging the portraits, no fence needed! 2008.03.10.
The president is on the phone so the visiting Russian president gets bored and starts talking to the parrot who proceeds to reveal all the state secrets he's heard.
Later at the chief advisors' meeting the parrot buts into in to conversations with advice on better ways to deploy Cruise missiles, etc. whereupon he is promptly cut off "shut up!" by the President... 2009.05.17.
No exact change for the bus? Dumps a handful of beans into the hopper... (causing malfunction too). When questioned by the driver he pulls out the newspaper with todays grain market quotes showing that he has paid the equivalent fare. 2008.06.14.
In reference to buses passing without stopping, ignoring hand waving, bus stop position related disputes, etc., the old lady takes missile launcher from purse -- one blast and fooom... 2005.11.
We might also prepare a "contingency bus stop" sign, folded in our pocket, for those cases where a rightful stop is for some reason missing its sign. 2006.11.
The cops and robbers chase is brought to a standstill as they encounter a protest march: bus drivers with placards demanding their right to a piss after tightened timetables left them little opportunity. 2007.11.07.
Arnold is a taxi driver who must fasten his seat belt at all times, even when resting or eating a vegi-burger, as he has received the gift of spiritual guidance and will bang his head on the car ceiling or worse, float toward heaven, anytime untethered. 2008.03.10.
It was a tale of engineering: they managed to land their magic carpet safely on abandoned railroad tracks; and guts: smack dab in Chicago's worst neighborhood. What to do now? Er, send Williams on foot with this empty container to look for a gas station. ( I also seem to recall a movie with the hubcaps stolen from a flying saucer that landed in the wrong neighborhood.) 2008.06.03.
Here at NurdMoist Laboratories my colleagues invented a way to take anyone back to the place and time a photograph was taken, using merely its EXIF headers!
Of course I just _had_ to be the first to test it out, with a photo of an old high school flame that I was sure I could score better with, armed with the latest 2010 pick-up lines. "OK, beam me back Scotty..."
One problem: old photographs don't have EXIF headers. Now I'm stuck in year 0, latitude 0, longitude 0. Skip the bathing suit...
(I.e., our hero ended up in the Atlantic ocean, 2000 years ago, i.e., more than just a little bit outside cell phone coverage.) 2010.02.12
Austin sets Dr. Tweezenthaller's clock back two hours when he isn't looking. The next day at the meeting, Dr. Evil snaps "Where is Tweezenthaller?!" -- at home still trimming his toenails with the help of the million dollar electron microscope. 2008.03.20.
Invited a friend to listen to my stereo system, but the home-repair masterpiece headphone cord is too short. He must bend his head down to listen. Finger snapping enthusiasm is dampened. 2003.10.03.
I suppose one could write a script using the GNU/Linux eject(1) command to make two CDROM drawers alternatively open and close, like a wimpy version of the dresser drawers in the scary movie The Exorcist. "The devil has possessed my computer." Juri Linkov says:
Ha ha! I already made such a joke years ago ... my co-worker was so scared when his computer's CDROM drawer suddenly started opening and closing!
Tell the director to come down to the parking lot. We want to have a talk with him.
Director, we hear there is a new museum opening in town. Would its background music perhaps be using "muzak"? (Joey, from inside the car: On Wednesdays there ought to be Beethoven. (Gets kicked for talking out of turn)... 2007.01.28.
Harold works at a funeral parlor, (looks like Lurch) and has matching ringtones for his cell phone. 2008.03.10.
Q: Why didn't you call me, and instead ended up dating that other guy?
A: Well sorry, your number 25854780 contains a 0 and my telephone's 0 button is broken, so I ended up calling a different guy. 2010.03.06
Agent Maxwell Smart gets
a spam e-mail: Subject: Parcel deposited here for you to
receive!, and exclaims: "Ah, the old 'Parcel deposited
here for you to receive!' trick. I'm not falling for that one
again!" 2008.03.20.
One day I (really did) notice ants carrying off a brass nail. Following them of course leads to Dr. Evil's underground headquarters where he was training them to rob banks but now he ends up getting hauled off too, and they are unbolting bridges and buildings... not even the Department of Defense can stop them... 2007.05.02.
Gee, haven't seen many roaches and ants here at your place recently. Must have all left. I don't blame them... with leftovers like those. [Roaches in background:] Yeah man, you thought we'd eat just anything. 2010.03.09.
"Come out with your hands up, Fugitive Fred", who awakes from the bad dream to find the police car flashing lights are only fireflies at his campsite. 2008.05.10.
The aircraft full of aid packages arrives at Third World Country. They eagerly open them up only to find western snacks: popcorn which they plant and never grows, pumpkin seeds for slow eating in front of a television... bubble gum and fast food ketchup packets which of course must be some kind of main course, right?! We return an hour later to find the peasants all decked out in bicycle racing outfits they found in the boxes, dead... no, just asleep after drinking beer they found. 2007.09.
Gangsters are assembled for dinner. One has just gotten food with his chopsticks, but before he can get it to his mouth, his chopsticks are intercepted by another, who also uses chopsticks to grab a hold of the first's, saying "not so fast". Uh oh, looks like a showdown is about to begin... This segment seems suitable for Taiwan's medicinal liquor TV ads. 2003.07.03.
Mmmm, wow, that's some tasty barbecue today! (Why of course, you weren't there earlier when the cat chose the barbecue pit as the perfect place to leave its droppings.) 2009.12.27.
First film me eating something. Each spoonful from the bowl into my mouth, etc. Now take this tape and play it in reverse so it looks like I am preparing a bowl of food for someone from things I am taking out of my mouth. Then I take this bowl to someone who then proceeds to eat it. 2003.09.18.
Normally nobody listens to me. Well we pull into a rest stop, and everybody's munching down their food and being very attentive to me for the first time. Not butting in or cutting me off, and even nodding as I explain this and that. Then they are suddenly all piling back into the bus and there I am with just three seconds to wolf down my entire bowl of porridge. 2009.09.04.
There's some flavors that are so good that you'll leave house and home, sacrifice, or at least forget your family members.
Scene for ad: Dad is on the dock eating some sumptuous exotic tropical fruit, etc., eyes closed, "mmmmm, oh yeah", while in the background a cord comes loose and his family members float slowly away on a raft waving and yelling "help!". Dad of course hears nothing as he has entered a tropical fruit world. 2003.09.22.
"There's a ripe jackfruit in the tree. I'll clip it, you catch." Next time wear glasses. Not only does it land on the lads head, but it isn't a jackfruit, but a hornet's nest! 2007.02.28.
To beef up masculinity, I have discovered that dumping a tablespoon of brewer's yeast into one's underwear does wonders.
Scene: later on couch, girlfriend is repelled by odor. 2003.10.30.
Grandma shouldn't keep food for so many years in the fridge. They mould and evolve and turn into... a fist that grabs her by the neck when she opens the fridge door. 2005.08.06.
Man goes to photo shop for passport photos. He notices the worker then using the computer to remove his blemishes and wrinkles painstakingly one by one. He snaps, "Give me back my spots. Those are my intellectual property!" The worker hits one button and all the blemishes are back. (And while he isn't looking, throws some extras on for free.) Later this becomes a nationwide movement. 2006.05.24.
Never get "caught with your pants down", especially when they dig the former you out from earthquake rubble. E.g., what if the funeral director chooses an incompatible necktie?
So it's proper attire required, in my "last aid kit", and a toothbrush, and a comb. Jump out the window? You'll only get your clothes dirty. Me? I'll be spending those vital seconds preparing for my successful interview at Heaven's Gates. 2007.01.01.
It all started when we here are the zoo decided that in order to avoid the chance of employees stealing food meant for the animals and reselling it etc., we would put in place a system of checks and balances. You would agree that it would be no big deal to ask the gorillas to sign their name when they received a banana.
Well then there are apples etc. Anyway later we of course decided to use a paperless system, and assigned each gorilla a PIN number. 4 then 6 then later 8 digits long. Then we switched to IC cards. However the gorillas were not happy that for the same side card they only got an IC card when they could instead have...
urm, yes. And they ran away and bought zoot/pimp suits and cars and that's why we have the problem we have today. 2010.03.06
I telephone Lucky the Monk across the way: "say, I heard you used to be a gangster." "Yes." "Well, do you still have any gangster clothes left over? Don't worry, I don't want to be a real gangster. I just want to look cooler." 2009.09.04.
We're riding in somebody's car when the driver starts talking patriotically. We respond by taking off our shoes (phew) and holding it to the driver's face, "see, 'Made in Taiwan (USA, etc.)'", then same with our socks, then it's butt in the face to show him our underwear label, by which time the car is already swerving badly... 2010.03.07
It's the conclusion of a week long nudist retreat and where's my ID cards? I didn't dig a hole and bury them, no wonder they got stolen. How about my shoes? Apparently they walked away on their own. Must chose from the common shoe pile. Tossed the replacements too after two days of "shoes too small" suffering. 2007.11.07.
No wonder you aren't getting anywhere with the girls, Holmes. She doesn't feel anything when you tease the bottom of her shoes. 2010.01.02.
A: Holy moly, what are those giant shoes doing outside Jenny's door? B: Oh, that's her English teacher's. A: Gee, who needs a home alarm system, just put a pair like that on the doorstep! 2008.07.25.
At an international conference, staring down at Richardson's feet, the chairman reads aloud "Property of Veteran's Hospital Psychiatric ward"?! Answer: "My original shoes got stolen. OK?" 2007.08.
Where'd my slippers go? Did that dog take them again? Nope, they are now in the laboratory of the Federal Investigation Bureau, undergoing analysis, for what, only those keystone cops know. Athlete's foot perhaps. 2005.08.21.
"Why all the slippers all over the house, Dear?" Answer: "Just like the suspects frequently changing getaway vehicles: to keep pursuers off my trail." 2007.08.
Love to take grandpa with me when I go to town. Makes me look younger.
Robbing banks is easy with grandpa in tow. I just place him in front of the security guard, and go about my business. Due to the "respect your elders" rule, the security guard dares not to break the conversation grandpa has started with him, to have a look around at what I'm up to. 2009.06.08.
The mayor is presenting the 100th birthday gift bank check to Grandma, and reporters cameras are snapping away. However, Grandma has been taking her virility vitamins, and pinches the mayor's butt behind the scenes, making it hard for him to keep a straight face. 2009.10.31.
What's behind the jerky motion of track predictions of hurricanes and typhoons? In the back room of the Central Weather Bureau, there they are, the six experts, eyes closed, using an Ouija board planchette on a map hooked up to the live broadcast. 2008.08.05.
Bad things will happen when the thermometer reaches 22 degrees Celsius (71 degrees Fahrenheit). Don't ask what. 2008.07.31.
There, with a few brush strokes I have fixed that wimpy bird logo on the side of your police car. 2009.09.04.
A super high class person sprays doorknobs, banisters, and even other people with disinfectant before coming in contact with them. 2009.05.05.
You've never actually seen your dentist's face, always behind that surgical mask. So you check the wall where he hangs all those licences and diplomas... Same deal, all theirs photos are him in his mask. 2009.05.05.
Kissing experts know to first dab an appropriate amount of saliva with the forefinger to the landing cheek, to ensure maximum auditory effects. 2007.02.14.
Your Mom asks: "Did you ever consider having a child? A totally new and marvelous experience!" You reply: "I don't like pets." 2007.10.20.
OK, you have a kid to please her, only to have him grow up and sue you for "having given birth to me without my permission". 2008.03.10.
Lots of laughs available from a tape measure printed on an elastic band. OK never mind. 2007.02.28.
He left Taiwan twenty years ago and lives abroad. One day he hears faintly in the distance something like one of those simple melodies Taiwan's garbage trucks' loudspeakers play. He breaks down in tears with memories of home. 2005.08.18.
Often in Taiwan all members of a family change their given names to supposedly bring better luck. How about they change in a round robin fashion: brother 2 gets brother 1's name, brother 3 gets brother 2's name, etc. 2006.04.
Two pals stroll into the fortuneteller's office, who after a while says "your friend is so successful, why don't you change your name to his?", which indeed he does, heading right down to the household registration office. (Surnames though can't be usually be changed here in Taiwan.) 2008.04.26.
The geomancer told me to sleep with head to the north. Feet? To the east! 2008.07.16.
Foreigner lays out a carpet at a Taiwan night market, marketing his only skill, Hanyu Pinyin: Ma'am, your name Lin Yongping is very stable. There is only a minor instability in the center, the yong. Wade-Giles spelled it yung. Mr. Zhang, you have a lot to watch out for in that surname. In the hands of "Tongyong Pinyin" it might get mangled into Jhang. Wade-Giles would make it Chang. So you've got to be very careful. 2006.06.
More Chinese humor.
Also see Chinese-English coincidences .
Dan JacobsonLast modified: 2010-03-09 04:26:42 +0800
