代客吃素 Vegetarian for hire

簡介 Introduction

為了減緩全球暖化，減能減碳，抵抗畜牧業對氣候的影響， 本人開闢「代客吃素」®™ 服務！

To combat global warming and wash away the carbon emission footprints of animal husbandry, I hereby announce "Vegetarian for hire"®™ service!

多吃素，少養豬… If more people became vegetarians we might be able to buy some more time for our planet.

運作模式 How it works

假如您的良心不安， 但目前仍不方便整個人變成素食主義者， 那末， 正如「個人碳交易」， 沒問題， 讓我「代客吃素」， 細節如下：

Well just like personal carbon trading, you want to help out, but say you can't stomach the idea of becoming a vegetarian yourself just quite yet. No problem. That's where my "vegetarian for hire" service can help ease your troubled conscience. Here's how it works:

• 不放心直接寄現金或糧食票？ 那麼，素食品就直接寄我家吧。 我吃東西的經驗豐富， 也自１９７７年起吃素。 Don't trust sending me cash or food stamps? I don't blame you, nor would my mom. Just send vegetarian food to me. I'll eat it up for you. I have plenty of eating experience, and have been a vegetarian since 1977.

• 直接請我出席飯局等， 保證吃得一乾二淨。 Just directly invite me banquets etc. I'll take care of the rest.

問答集 FAQ

你（本「計畫」主持人）不是本來就吃素？ But aren't (ringleader) you a vegetarian in the first place, and thus I am not decreasing the number of people eating meat on a given day after all?

是的，但沒保障。 Well yes, but keeping my mouth stuffed ensures I won't switch back. You never know.

過期食物可不可以寄你？ Can we send you expired food items?

是，日期撕下即可。 味道若真差我會拿去餵我豬子。 Yes, just remove the freshness date, nobody will know the difference. If it tastes really bad I'll just feed it to my pigs.

Won't feeding you just increase the amount of "hot air" (like this scheme) you produce, and thus actually increase global warming?

[Response muffled as I wolf down another soy crème d'eauclaire.]

我要加盟開分服務據點。 Wow, sounds great. How can I open a branch franchise in my home town?

抱歉，連「代客刷牙」有人投標 （太忙自己涮但希望地球多人涮？牙刷寄我…） Sorry, even our "toothbrush for hire" sub-service has offers, however our "toothpick for hire" sub-service is still open, or consider writing proposals: "too busy to floss your own teeth, well send us the floss and we'll floss ours, if it makes you feel any better."

看完了， 頗感認同。 手上半罐飲料想寄， 住址在哪兒？ OK, I've read the details and have here two half-eaten tortillas I'm ready to send. What's the address?

我先必確定不又是調查局。 How do I know you aren't the FBI again. And I like my tortillas parboiled. Are they parboiled?

未料末日將至， 哪裡躲呢？ Guess what, day 0 is coming faster than expected. Where you gonna duck?

我會去圖書館， 圖書館很安全。 No problem, I'll go to the library. It's always safe there.

Last modified: 2024-01-14 04:53:53 UTC