影片點子 Movie ideas

笑片念頭 Ideas for funny movie segments. "Scenes we'd like to see." These should be enough to get you started, as you all are searching so desperately for them, according to web statistics.

My favorite character 崇拜之演員: Ernest P. Worrell et al. Indeed, I have compiled an entire playlist of what stikes me funny just for your viewing pleasure. Note however that I am unaware of most stars post-1994 今片不清楚.

(其實本人發現當電視明星挺笨, 亦早已置電視於倉庫不看, 僅聽新聞廣播。) (Actually I found that being a TV star is quite silly and not for me, and have mothballed my TV years ago, and only listen to the news radio.)

索引 Index:

無地方性 Applicable worldwide> 電力公司 Power company) 何以停電? Why the power outage?; 停電要多久呢? Power out until when please?; 正辣妹 Hot time with hot stuff; 按摩剩餘千瓦 Massage away spare kilowatts; 人名 Names) A Boy named Barksdale; That's "Neurdsbeurg"; 總統 The President) 總統要尿尿 Presidential Piss; 總統對柑橘 President vs. tangerine; 待總統 Waiting for the President; 總統肖像至天花板 President's portrait on the ceiling; 總統之鸚鵡 Presidential parrot; 交通 Transportation) 公車 Buses: 豆代零錢上公車 Beans for bus fare; 過站不停遭炸 Bus doesn't stop ... boom; 我要尿尿 Right to pee; 計程車 Taxis: 飄著計程車司機 Floating taxi driver; 魔毯 Magic carpets: 魔毯降落貧民窟 Magic carpet lands in the wrong side of town; Beam me back, to the time and place in the EXIF headers; 電子 Electronics) Tweezenthaller still tweezing his toes; 聽音樂 Listening to music: 耳機線太短 Headphone cord too short; The CDROM drawers were opening and closing; Mafia music enforcement squad; 電話 Telephones: 喪事鈴聲 Funeral ringtones; 無法撥零先生 Couldn't call Mr. Zero; 垃圾電子郵件 Spam email: Maxwell Smart gets a spam; 昆蟲 Insects) 螞蟻作歹 Evil ants; 蟑螂也跑光 Even the roaches have left; 螢火蟲警察 Firefly cops; 食物 Food) 國際援助不當 Inappropriate foreign aid; 筷子遭攔截 Chopstick interception; 貓糞烤肉 Cat feces flavor barbecue; 倒吃 Backwards eating; 吃飯時才理我 Nobody listens too me except at dinner; Bedside bells; 味道太好, 忘記家人 Tastes so good, I forgot the wife and kids; 接波羅密 Catch the jackfruit; 壯陽:酵母入褲 Yeast powder into pants; 留冰箱過期到什麼程度 Food left in fridge really too long: evolved into fist that grabs you by the neck; 容貌 Appearances) 還我斑點運動 The give me back my spots movement; 衣服 Clothes: 地震?穿好一點 Earthquake? Get yourself presentable, son.; 持Visa™卡之猩猩 Gorillas with Visa™ cards; 流氓衣 Gangster clothes; 愛國穿著 Patriotic clothes; 鞋類 Footware) 天體營鞋遭竊 Shoes stolen at nudist camp; Shoe massage 鞋底按摩; 門置巨鞋 Giant shoes at door; 拖鞋 Slippers: 拖鞋尊嚴 Presentable slippers; 拖鞋遭調查 Slippers under investigation; 老人 Old folks) 阿公 Grandpa: 與阿公出門 Out and about with grandpa; 阿嬤 Grandma: 阿嬤捏市長屁股 Grandma pinches mayor's butt; 迷信 Superstition) 氣象 Weather: 扶乩占卜颱風軌跡 Predict typhoon path with an Ouija board; 22度C不吉祥溫度也 The unlucky temperature, 22 deg. C; 雜項 Etc.) 我修理了警鳥 I fixed the police bird; 高級人與消毒水 Upper crust and disinfectant; 牙醫口罩 Dentists' masks; 專吻 Expert kiss; 生個孩子 Have a kid; 捲尺以鬆緊帶 Tape measure on elastic band; 專屬台灣 Taiwan specific> 垃圾車歌:足甘心的 Garbage truck melody: heartwarming; 低級的衛生紙; 金紙廣告詞; 騎士戴金桶; 算命、迷信,等 Fortunetelling, superstition, etc.) 一家輪名 Names round robin; 改名以友 Change your name to your friends name; 睡90度 Sleep 90 degrees; 老外搞拼音姓名學 Foreigner turns to Pinyin fortunetelling;

無地方性 Applicable worldwide

電力公司 Power company

何以停電? Why the power outage?

因於電力公司打麻將勝利舉臂撞到大紅按鈕。 或於核廠。 當然到第一通電話才發覺, 因系統分離。

Because an elbow hit the big red button when throwing up arms in victory gambling at the power company office. (With visors and cigars as in very habitual.) Or say at the nuke plant. Of course they are unaware until the first phone call as they are on a different system. 2007.04.30.

停電要多久呢? Power out until when please?

撥電話給電力公司不耐煩地抱怨「無電我怎吹頭髮? 七點想看節目, 會不會有電? 果汁機無電我怎招待客人? 牙刷不動…」

We telephone the power company and say in a demanding voice: "How do you expect me to dry my hair without power? Will it there be power by seven o'clock? That's when my favorite show is on. How do you expect me to entertain guests with a non-working blender? My electric toothbrush is down..." 2007.10.20.

正辣妹 Hot time with hot stuff

為刺激生育, 政府又停電。 黑暗中主角帥哥正摸尋包潤滑劑, 誤拿包辣油…

脖子僅掛手機,彈著。 不對呀, 抓滅火器,無法關,媽開門「又玩生奶油」…

We check in with our hero the sex expert (Master of Arts -- the Art of Reproduction) during one of the planned power outages (you know, population aging, got to stimulate people to have more kids. What better proven way than a government ordered "lights out"?)

So there he is in the dark, ready to "get it on", fumbling for a packet of lube, when he mistakenly picks up a packet of hot sauce from last month's lunch...

So there he is, no clothes on except for the cell phone hanging from his neck flapping against his chest, as he slowly realizes something is wrong... yow, grab the fire extinguisher, gsgsgsgs... can't turn it off. What's all the commotion? -- Mom kicks open the door and turns on the emergency lighting system. "Herbert, playing with the whipped cream again on my furniture?! You're grounded for a month!" 2010.08.11

按摩剩餘千瓦 Massage away spare kilowatts

Every month I just can't seem to use more electricity than the basic charge of 每月只用基本電費 NT$84 (US$2.50). 剩餘白不用 How to not waste each month's extra electricity entitlement? 故買按摩椅 Buy a massage chair... ah yes, this is the life... as we fall asleep only to wake up the next day still jiggling, chair or not. Does daddy have Parkinson's? 2007.09.

人名 Names

A Boy named Barksdale

With John Belushi, and Dan Aykroyd as Barksdale.

Rough childhood:

My, that's a rather expensive sounding name you've got there, BARFSdale.
That's BARKSdale.
(Mary:) Don't worry, his BARF is BLADDER than his BLIGHT.

Later, young Barksdale attempted to convince the census authorities that it was all a computer glitch: they had obviously confused his town of birth with his name, but was told: "We don't have a entry field for PETS' names, but OK, if you insist, 'Mr. CALIFORNIA, Davis'"... whereupon he ran out of the office before the lady threateningly pressed the "Enter" key.

Bored with his given name, the other kids now began to conjecture on all the other GARB... words in the dictionary that his parents' maiden names must have been amalgamated from (garbonzo? garbologist? garble?). This was the last straw, and young Barksdale jumped from a bridge.

When he awoke three weeks later, doctors had removed the middle third of his name. But the incompatible consonant clusters left him scarred for life, but oddly did seem to improve his dating average. 2009.05.14.

That's "Neurdsbeurg"

Game over, Dr. Nurdsburg. I'm arresting you for violation of statute 4536: taking over the planet by means of force.

The name is "Neurdsbeurg": (Expand) N-ë-ü-r-d-s-b-ë-ü-r-g! 2007.01.22.

總統 The President

總統要尿尿 Presidential Piss

總統巡視國家風景區欲尿卻無廁。 隨扈成圈, 手提防彈盾展以遮他客視線。 依規定一保鏢近貼(確保「傳家之寶」)… 結果弄得那麼誇張, 此尿必改期。

The president is visiting a National Scenic Site and gets the urge to urinate, however there is no toilet. So the Secret Service agents form a circle and open up their briefcases into bullet proof shields to block other tourists' line of sight.

According to regulations, one agent must remain by the President's side at all times (protecting the "family jewels".)

The result is such a scene, with more and more gawkers encircling, that this piss will have to be rescheduled. 2007.11.25.

P.S., how about a title for a movie: "The longest piss". (Not just a short video of which there are many.) 2009.09.04.

總統對柑橘 President vs. tangerine

小孩掉柑慢滾向總統隊伍。 隨扈一一閃(膽小!) 而總統僅凝視而停之。 圍眾大驚, 原來其就有特能即鬼。

A little kid drops a tangerine by accident and it rolls toward the President's entourage. All the Secret Service agents jump out of the way (sissies!), and the President stops it cold with just a cold look from his eyes. The crowd gasps... all along he was a warlock! 2007.12.24.

待總統 Waiting for the President

遊客於布袋戲院外待總統出來以拍照。

向警衛隊員說 「請他快點出來, 我電池快沒電」。 過了好久仍不出來, 可能玩得不亦樂乎。 「是否睡覺?」 警員答「從沒」。

最後出現了其時髦朋友, 與他們走, 再向警衛交名片, 「沒空,祂可以打電話給我。」

The tourist is waiting for the President to come out of the puppet theater so he can take a picture.

He says to the security men "Can you ask him to hurry up, my batteries are getting low." Time goes on and the president must be really having a good time or something. "Is he sleeping in there?" The security man replies, "No, he never does that."

Finally the tourist's jet-setting friends happen upon the scene. "Tell him sorry, but I've just got to go. Tell Him he can call me some time, it's OK, the number is on (this name) card. Bye (as he jets off with them). 2007.04.14.

總統肖像至天花板 President's portrait on the ceiling

總統肖像成日目光如豆影響辦公室士氣怎辦? 不如移至最崇高位置, 改貼天花板。 捲黏蠅紙, 附於像後。 二三扔內, 應著至天花板。

Tired of the President's beady eyes starting at you all day in your government office? Why not move his portrait to the highest place of honor, the ceiling? Form some flypaper into a loop. Adhere it to the back, and within two or three toss attempts, it should stick to the ceiling. 2005.08.21.

而總統退位後, 幅幅玉照能再利用, 掛於果農防猴電籬笆上。 嗣猴聯想圖與痛既定, 新網再免設, 僅置圖即可!

And what to do with all those Presidential Portraits when he retires? Hang them on the electric fences that keep monkeys away from fruit trees (here in Taiwan, or cows etc. where the reader lives). Then after the monkeys associate the portrait with pain, one can save on new fencing by just hanging the portraits, no fence needed! 2008.03.10.

總統之鸚鵡 Presidential parrot

總統電話中,故訪問之俄國總統轉與鸚鵡閒聊,鸚鵡則洩漏所有曾聽之機密。 再於國策顧問會議,鸚鵡插嘴有關飛彈運送細節,遭總統切斷「閉嘴!」。

The president is on the phone so the visiting Russian president gets bored and starts talking to the parrot who proceeds to reveal all the state secrets he's heard.

Later at the chief advisors' meeting the parrot buts into in to conversations with advice on better ways to deploy Cruise missiles, etc. whereupon he is promptly cut off "shut up!" by the President... 2009.05.17.

交通 Transportation

公車 Buses

豆代零錢上公車 Beans for bus fare

缺零錢上公車,放一抓豆子入投幣口(又引故障), 司機問而其拿報紙說明今穀價為同價。 No exact change for the bus? Dumps a handful of beans into the hopper... (causing malfunction too). When questioned by the driver he pulls out the newspaper with todays grain market quotes showing that he has paid the equivalent fare. 2008.06.14.

過站不停遭炸 Bus doesn't stop ... boom

老婦對於過站不停, 揮手不見, 或與站牌位置糾紛相關等之公車汽車, 從皮包裡拿出地對地飛彈系統, 一射,轟…

另出門口袋可摺一枚「臨時站牌」以免應該原有牌之處則沒牌。

In reference to buses passing without stopping, ignoring hand waving, bus stop position related disputes, etc., the old lady takes missile launcher from purse -- one blast and fooom... 2005.11.

We might also prepare a "contingency bus stop" sign, folded in our pocket, for those cases where a rightful stop is for some reason missing its sign. 2006.11.

我要尿尿 Right to pee

警匪追逐遇抗議而停頓: 發車時刻加緊後公車司機們舉牌遊行「我要尿尿!」

The cops and robbers chase is brought to a standstill as they encounter a protest march: bus drivers with placards demanding their right to a piss after tightened timetables left them little opportunity. 2007.11.07.

計程車 Taxis

飄著計程車司機 Floating taxi driver

計程車司機阿諾成日必繫安全帶, 因「得仙」後會隨時飄, 不但頭撞車頂, 亦險似氣球人再不見。

Arnold is a taxi driver who must fasten his seat belt at all times, even when resting or eating a vegi-burger, as he has received the gift of spiritual guidance and will bang his head on the car ceiling or worse, float toward heaven, anytime untethered. 2008.03.10.

魔毯 Magic carpets

魔毯降落貧民窟 Magic carpet lands in the wrong side of town

又精明: 成功地把魔毯安全降落於廢鐵軌上; 又勇敢: 正於芝加哥最雜貧民區中。 怎辦? 派阿三拿此空瓶徒步找加油站…

It was a tale of engineering: they managed to land their magic carpet safely on abandoned railroad tracks; and guts: smack dab in Chicago's worst neighborhood. What to do now? Er, send Williams on foot with this empty container to look for a gas station. (好像也曾看過 I also seem to recall a movie with the hubcaps stolen from a flying saucer that landed in the wrong neighborhood.) 2008.06.03.

Beam me back, to the time and place in the EXIF headers

Here at NurdMoist Laboratories my colleagues invented a way to take anyone back to the place and time a photograph was taken, using merely its EXIF headers!

Of course I just _had_ to be the first to test it out, with a photo of an old high school flame that I was sure I could score better with, armed with the latest 2010 pick-up lines. "OK, beam me back Scotty..."

One problem: old photographs don't have EXIF headers. Now I'm stuck in year 0, latitude 0, longitude 0. Skip the bathing suit...

(I.e., our hero ended up in the Atlantic ocean, 2000 years ago, i.e., more than just a little bit outside cell phone coverage.) 2010.02.12

電子 Electronics

Tweezenthaller still tweezing his toes

Austin sets Dr. Tweezenthaller's clock back two hours when he isn't looking. The next day at the meeting, Dr. Evil snaps "Where is Tweezenthaller?!" -- at home still trimming his toenails with the help of the million dollar electron microscope. 2008.03.20.

聽音樂 Listening to music

耳機線太短 Headphone cord too short

請朋友聽音響, 但自理維修傑作之耳機線太短, 只好低著頭「傾聽」。 拍打節奏變得很勉強。

Invited a friend to listen to my stereo system, but the home-repair masterpiece headphone cord is too short. He must bend his head down to listen. Finger snapping enthusiasm is dampened. 2003.10.03.

The CDROM drawers were opening and closing

I suppose one could write a script using the GNU/Linux eject(1) command to make two CDROM drawers alternatively open and close, like a wimpy version of the dresser drawers in the scary movie The Exorcist. "The devil has possessed my computer." Juri Linkov says:

Ha ha! I already made such a joke years ago ... my co-worker was so scared when his computer's CDROM drawer suddenly started opening and closing!

Mafia music enforcement squad

Tell the director to come down to the parking lot. We want to have a talk with him.

Director, we hear there is a new museum opening in town. Would its background music perhaps be using "muzak"? (Joey, from inside the car: On Wednesdays there ought to be Beethoven. (Gets kicked for talking out of turn)... 2007.01.28.

電話 Telephones

喪事鈴聲 Funeral ringtones

手機鈴聲,擇「喪事」以炫, 答人問「就是我的職業」。

Harold works at a funeral parlor, (looks like Lurch) and has matching ringtones for his cell phone. 2008.03.10.

無法撥零先生 Couldn't call Mr. Zero

Q: Why didn't you call me, and instead ended up dating that other guy?

A: Well sorry, your number 25854780 contains a 0 and my telephone's 0 button is broken, so I ended up calling a different guy. 2010.03.06

垃圾電子郵件 Spam email

Maxwell Smart gets a spam

Agent Maxwell Smart gets a spam e-mail: Subject: Parcel deposited here for you to receive!, and exclaims: "Ah, the old 'Parcel deposited here for you to receive!' trick. I'm not falling for that one again!" 2008.03.20.

昆蟲 Insects

螞蟻作歹 Evil ants

曾(真的)看過螞蟻搬走黃銅釘, 跟著一定是惡博士地下碉堡, 原來只是訓練牠們搶銀行, 已失控, 自己也被扛走, 拆橋拆樓, 連國防部無策。

One day I (really did) notice ants carrying off a brass nail. Following them of course leads to Dr. Evil's underground headquarters where he was training them to rob banks but now he ends up getting hauled off too, and they are unbolting bridges and buildings... not even the Department of Defense can stop them... 2007.05.02.

蟑螂也跑光 Even the roaches have left

最近你這兒很少看到蟑螂、螞蟻, 可能跑光。 不怪牠們, 你以為牠們什麼都敢吃。 連牠們也有水準好不好。

Gee, haven't seen many roaches and ants here at your place recently. Must have all left. I don't blame them... with leftovers like those. [Roaches in background:] Yeah man, you thought we'd eat just anything. 2010.03.09.

螢火蟲警察 Firefly cops

惡夢中被警車包圍醒來發現不過螢火蟲。

"Come out with your hands up, Fugitive Fred", who awakes from the bad dream to find the police car flashing lights are only fireflies at his campsite. 2008.05.10.

食物 Food

國際援助不當 Inappropriate foreign aid

The aircraft full of aid packages arrives at Third World Country. They eagerly open them up only to find western snacks: popcorn which they plant and never grows, 瓜子 pumpkin seeds for slow eating in front of a television... bubble gum and fast food ketchup packets which of course must be some kind of main course, right?! We return an hour later to find the peasants all decked out in bicycle racing outfits they found in the boxes, dead... no, just asleep after drinking beer they found. 2007.09.

筷子遭攔截 Chopstick interception

大哥們在聚餐。 一個用筷子剛挾菜時, 筷子被第二個也用筷子攔截挾住, 說「不要那麼快」或台語「慢且」或 ちょっとまで 好像將要火拼… 此段很適合電視藥酒廣告用。

Gangsters are assembled for dinner. One has just gotten food with his chopsticks, but before he can get it to his mouth, his chopsticks are intercepted by another, who also uses chopsticks to grab a hold of the first's, saying "not so fast". Uh oh, looks like a showdown is about to begin... This segment seems suitable for Taiwan's medicinal liquor TV ads. 2003.07.03.

貓糞烤肉 Cat feces flavor barbecue

哇,今天的烤肉特別香! (當然。稍早貓於此大便。)

Mmmm, wow, that's some tasty barbecue today! (Why of course, you weren't there earlier when the cat chose the barbecue pit as the perfect place to leave its droppings.) 2009.12.27.

倒吃 Backwards eating

先錄我吃東西, 一匙一匙由碗等等。 然後此帶倒放, 使看起來我由嘴巴拿東西準備一碗, 然後此碗我拿去給人而其吃之。

First film me eating something. Each spoonful from the bowl into my mouth, etc. Now take this tape and play it in reverse so it looks like I am preparing a bowl of food for someone from things I am taking out of my mouth. Then I take this bowl to someone who then proceeds to eat it. 2003.09.18.

吃飯時才理我 Nobody listens too me except at dinner

通常沒人理我講的話。 到了休息站,奇怪,我能長談所欲言,沒人打斷, 反而點頭聆聽。未料都吃完了上車了,而我僅剩下三秒要把整碗粥吃完。

Normally nobody listens to me. Well we pull into a rest stop, and everybody's munching down their food and being very attentive to me for the first time. Not butting in or cutting me off, and even nodding as I explain this and that. Then they are suddenly all piling back into the bus and there I am with just three seconds to wolf down my entire bowl of porridge. 2009.09.04.

Bedside bells

Harold is a wimp. His wide commands him around with a bullhorn when out shopping. Harold is a poor performer in bed. His wife has adopted the conference speakers' rules of order 'three bells and your time is up' system. First bell at fifteen minutes. Next at five. Next at one. Then she cuts off his d*ck mike. 2013.12.01.

味道太好, 忘記家人 Tastes so good, I forgot the wife and kids

有的水果等等味道好得您為之寧可離家出走, 忘掉, 甚至犧牲家人。

廣告劇本: 爸在碼頭上, 吃著太好吃的進口熱帶水果等等, 眼睛閉著, 出 mmmm 聲。 背景看到繩索鬆掉, 其家人站於竹筏揮著喊著「救我們!」慢慢飄走。 爸則聽不到因入水果世界。

There's some flavors that are so good that you'll leave house and home, sacrifice, or at least forget your family members.

Scene for ad: Dad is on the dock eating some sumptuous exotic tropical fruit, etc., eyes closed, "mmmmm, oh yeah", while in the background a cord comes loose and his family members float slowly away on a raft waving and yelling "help!". Dad of course hears nothing as he has entered a tropical fruit world. 2003.09.22.

接波羅密 Catch the jackfruit

「樹上有一粒波羅密成熟。我剪,你接。」 未料, 眼鏡未戴, 不但正落頭上, 且非波羅密, 乃蜂窩。

"There's a ripe jackfruit in the tree. I'll clip it, you catch." Next time wear glasses. Not only does it land on the lads head, but it isn't a jackfruit, but a hornet's nest! 2007.02.28.

壯陽:酵母入褲 Yeast powder into pants

為了補雄風, 我發現倒一匙酵母粉到內褲裡之妙法。 行路有風, 黃色(的粉末)的風。 鏡頭: 女朋友拒絕接近因怪味。

To beef up masculinity, I have discovered that dumping a tablespoon of brewer's yeast into one's underwear does wonders.

Scene: later on couch, girlfriend is repelled by odor. 2003.10.30.

留冰箱過期到什麼程度 Food left in fridge really too long: evolved into fist that grabs you by the neck

壞習慣, 東西放冰箱太久, 至已演化成一把拳頭, 一打開冰箱掐住你的脖子。

Grandma shouldn't keep food for so many years in the fridge. They mould and evolve and turn into... a fist that grabs her by the neck when she opens the fridge door. 2005.08.06.

容貌 Appearances

還我斑點運動 The give me back my spots movement

等護照相片時, 先生注意到店員用電腦將斑點、 皺紋仔細一條一條除掉。 先生喊「斑點放回去, 那是我智慧財產!」 店員即一按, 通通回來 (亦趁其未注意免費送幾條。) 後成全國性運動。

Man goes to photo shop for passport photos. He notices the worker then using the computer to remove his blemishes and wrinkles painstakingly one by one. He snaps, "Give me back my spots. Those are my intellectual property!" The worker hits one button and all the blemishes are back. (And while he isn't looking, throws some extras on for free.) Later this becomes a nationwide movement. 2006.05.24.

衣服 Clothes

地震?穿好一點 Earthquake? Get yourself presentable, son.

地震時不能失連(臉), 瓦礫堆生前之挖出來時, 一定是全國新聞, 故地震必備西裝,牙刷。 往生者有兩種: 穿得好及留給殯儀館穿的。 別人跳樓只是衣服弄髒。 我們一感到震, 趕快穿好一點。

Never get "caught with your pants down", especially when they dig the former you out from earthquake rubble. E.g., what if the funeral director chooses an incompatible necktie?

So it's proper attire required, in my "last aid kit", and a toothbrush, and a comb. Jump out the window? You'll only get your clothes dirty. Me? I'll be spending those vital seconds preparing for my successful interview at Heaven's Gates. 2007.01.01.

持Visa™卡之猩猩 Gorillas with Visa™ cards
開庭審「為何動物園猩猩穿著衣服流浪接頭騷擾民眾?」一案。
Hearing on the matter of why the gorillas escaped and now are on street corners bullying the public
How did it all start?

It all started when we here are the zoo decided that in order to avoid the chance of employees stealing food meant for the animals and reselling it etc., we would put in place a system of checks and balances. You would agree that it would be no big deal to ask the gorillas to sign their name when they received a banana.

Wouldn't just having them return the peel be good enough?

Well then there are apples etc. Anyway later we of course decided to use a paperless system, and assigned each gorilla a PIN number. 4 then 6 then later 8 digits long. Then we switched to IC cards. However the gorillas were not happy that for the same side card they only got an IC card when they could instead have...

A Visa™ Card?!

urm, yes. And they ran away and bought zoot/pimp suits and cars and that's why we have the problem we have today. 2010.03.06

流氓衣 Gangster clothes

我撥對面幸運法師:「聽說您以前是流氓?」,「是」, 「那麼有沒有剩下以前的流氓衣服? 我不是真的想做流氓, 而只是看起來【小哥變大哥】…」。

I telephone Lucky the Monk across the way: "say, I heard you used to be a gangster." "Yes." "Well, do you still have any gangster clothes left over? Don't worry, I don't want to be a real gangster. I just want to look cooler." 2009.09.04.

電視裡那笨蛋怎都穿著我的衣服?! 向妻子:妳把我衣服送給那個笨蛋?!

Who's that fool on TV wearing all my clothes?! To wife: You've been giving my clothes to that fool?! 2011.01.17.

提及流氓 Speaking about gangsters: 戳左右手啟筆: The head honcho wants to write a note, so with a flick of his wrist, he nonchalantly pokes his right hand henchman in the ribs, out of habit, to "click his bic" pen. Less trouble than using his thumb to initialize his pen for writing. 2011.01.17.

愛國穿著 Patriotic clothes

We're riding in somebody's car when the driver starts talking patriotically. We respond by taking off our shoes (phew) and holding it to the driver's face, "see, 'Made in Taiwan (USA, etc.)'", then same with our socks, then it's butt in the face to show him our underwear label, by which time the car is already swerving badly... 2010.03.07

鞋類 Footware

天體營鞋遭竊 Shoes stolen at nudist camp

一週天體營結束, 證件因未挖洞隱藏而遭竊, 鞋子亦自行離去。 只能從共同鞋堆選。 穿小鞋兩天亦扔之。

It's the conclusion of a week long nudist retreat and where's my ID cards? I didn't dig a hole and bury them, no wonder they got stolen. How about my shoes? Apparently they walked away on their own. Must chose from the common shoe pile. Tossed the replacements too after two days of "shoes too small" suffering. 2007.11.07.

Shoe massage 鞋底按摩

摩她鞋底無效,無感覺。

No wonder you aren't getting anywhere with the girls, Holmes. She doesn't feel anything when you tease the bottom of her shoes. 2010.01.02.

門置巨鞋 Giant shoes at door

甲:哎唷,誰的鞋子那麼大在她的門口? 乙:她的英文老師的。 甲:免防盜系統,只擺一雙如此就夠了!

A: Holy moly, what are those giant shoes doing outside Jenny's door? B: Oh, that's her English teacher's. A: Gee, who needs a home alarm system, just put a pair like that on the doorstep! 2008.07.25.

拖鞋 Slippers

拖鞋尊嚴 Presentable slippers

在場國際會議, 主席盯著老劉的腳朗讀「榮總精神科」!? 答:「我原來的鞋子被偷、好不好?」

At an international conference, staring down at Richardson's feet, the chairman reads aloud "Property of Veteran's Hospital Psychiatric ward"?! Answer: "My original shoes got stolen. OK?" 2007.08.

拖鞋遭調查 Slippers under investigation

我拖鞋跑到哪裡去? 是那隻狗又拿走? 不是。 你的拖鞋正在調查局試驗室化驗中, 至於想熬出來的湯, 誰也不知道。

Where'd my slippers go? Did that dog take them again? Nope, they are now in the laboratory of the Federal Investigation Bureau, undergoing analysis, for what, only those keystone cops know. Athlete's foot perhaps. 2005.08.21.

親愛的, 家裏為何那麼多拖鞋? 答:如歹徒數次換脫逃車輛, 丟跟蹤者。

"Why all the slippers all over the house, Dear?" Answer: "Just like the suspects frequently changing getaway vehicles: to keep pursuers off my trail." 2007.08.

老人 Old folks

阿公 Grandpa

與阿公出門 Out and about with grandpa

很喜歡帶阿公一齊出門,讓我顯得更年輕。

Love to take grandpa with me when I go to town. Makes me look younger.

搶銀行很簡單。 只需擺阿公在警衛前邊, 因不得不敬老原則, 其不敢與阿公斷話轉頭看我在幹什麼。

Robbing banks is easy with grandpa in tow. I just place him in front of the security guard, and go about my business. Due to the "respect your elders" rule, the security guard dares not to break the conversation grandpa has started with him, to have a look around at what I'm up to. 2009.06.08.

阿嬤 Grandma

阿嬤捏市長屁股 Grandma pinches mayor's butt

市長發百歲獎金給阿嬤, 未料她在吃某「壯陽(陰?)健康食品」, 很有活力。 記者正在拍照時, 幕後捏市長的屁股, 使其難以維持笑容。

The mayor is presenting the 100th birthday gift bank check to Grandma, and reporters cameras are snapping away. However, Grandma has been taking her virility vitamins, and pinches the mayor's butt behind the scenes, making it hard for him to keep a straight face. 2009.10.31.

迷信 Superstition

氣象 Weather

扶乩占卜颱風軌跡 Predict typhoon path with an Ouija board

某氣象局預測颱、颶風軌跡, 座標顛簸地晃動… 切到幕後就是那六位專家, 眼睛閉著, 手共摸扶乩梭, 在一張地圖上慢慢移動。

What's behind the jerky motion of track predictions of hurricanes and typhoons? In the back room of the Central Weather Bureau, there they are, the six experts, eyes closed, using an Ouija board planchette on a map hooked up to the live broadcast. 2008.08.05.

22度C不吉祥溫度也 The unlucky temperature, 22 deg. C

溫度計至22度C(71度F)壞事會發生。 別詳問。

Bad things will happen when the thermometer reaches 22 degrees Celsius (71 degrees Fahrenheit). Don't ask what. 2008.07.31.

雜項 Etc.

我修理了警鳥 I fixed the police bird

弄好了, 貴警車側警鳥圖案不會再那種容易被欺負的樣子了。

There, with a few brush strokes I have fixed that wimpy bird logo on the side of your police car. 2009.09.04.

高級人與消毒水 Upper crust and disinfectant

一位極高級人士以消毒水噴所有門把、欄杆、連別人,才接觸。

A super high class person sprays doorknobs, banisters, and even other people with disinfectant before coming in contact with them. 2009.05.05.

牙醫口罩 Dentists' masks

從未看到自己牙醫真面目, 都在那張口罩後。 見牆壁掛著學位、證書相片, 一樣,均罩口罩。

You've never actually seen your dentist's face, always behind that surgical mask. So you check the wall where he hangs all those licences and diplomas... Same deal, all theirs photos are him in his mask. 2009.05.05.

專吻 Expert kiss

Kissing experts know to first dab 先以食指塗酌量口水 an appropriate amount of saliva with the forefinger to the landing cheek, to ensure maximum auditory effects. 2007.02.14.

生個孩子 Have a kid

媽媽問你「有沒有想過生個孩子? 會很棒。」 你答「我不喜歡寵物。」

Your Mom asks: "Did you ever consider having a child? A totally new and marvelous experience!" You reply: "I don't like pets." 2007.10.20.

好的, 生給她看, 結果孩子長大後則告你「未經我許可而生我」。

OK, you have a kid to please her, only to have him grow up and sue you for "having given birth to me without my permission". 2008.03.10.

捲尺以鬆緊帶 Tape measure on elastic band

捲尺印於鬆緊帶, 得搞多笑。 …算了。

Lots of laughs available from a tape measure printed on an elastic band. OK never mind. 2007.02.28.

專屬台灣 Taiwan specific

垃圾車歌:足甘心的 Garbage truck melody: heartwarming

離台僑居廿年, 他一天遠遠聽到類似台灣的垃圾車播放的簡單歌曲, 他滿頭懷念哭了起來。 (如全國電子廣告:)「足甘心的」。

He left Taiwan twenty years ago and lives abroad. One day he hears faintly in the distance something like one of those simple melodies Taiwan's garbage trucks' loudspeakers play. He breaks down in tears with memories of home. 2005.08.18.

低級的衛生紙

街頭常聽 「高級的衛生紙, 高級的衛生紙, 一百箍」。 低級的衛生紙呢?

金紙廣告詞

2003年9月有人要我拍金紙廣告照片什麼的。 我婉拒, 但想起此詞:

如果沒人死, 擦屁股也可以! (閩南語: na bbo lang si, cid kacng ma e sai) 2003.10.2

騎士戴金桶

摩托車騎士找不到安全帽, 臨時拿路邊燒金紙用的「金桶」戴。 2005.11

算命、迷信,等 Fortunetelling, superstition, etc.

一家輪名 Names round robin

改個名,換個運。 偶而改一改, 換個命運。 常有一家人均改名。 可試三弟換二弟名, 二弟換一弟名,等輪流。

Often in Taiwan all members of a family change their given names to supposedly bring better luck. How about they change in a round robin fashion: brother 2 gets brother 1's name, brother 3 gets brother 2's name, etc. 2006.04.

改名以友 Change your name to your friends name

兩友走入算命館。 結果 「你的朋友那麼成功, 乾脆改名用他的吧」, 而其也立刻跑戶政所辦。 Two pals stroll into the fortuneteller's office, who after a while says "your friend is so successful, why don't you change your name to his?", which indeed he does, heading right down to the household registration office. (Surnames though can't be usually be changed here in Taiwan.) 2008.04.26.

睡90度 Sleep 90 degrees

地理師叫我頭往北,腳呢?向東!

The geomancer told me to sleep with head to the north. Feet? To the east! 2008.07.16.

老外搞拼音姓名學 Foreigner turns to Pinyin fortunetelling

老外夜市擺攤搞漢語拼音姓名學: 小姐,您「林永平」很穩定, 唯中間字曾被拼 yung。 先生,姓張要注意, 若落到所謂通用拼音手中, 把您搞成 Jhang, 另威脫碼作 Chang, 所以要特別注意。

Foreigner lays out a carpet at a Taiwan night market, marketing his only skill, Hanyu Pinyin: Ma'am, your name Lin Yongping is very stable. There is only a minor instability in the center, the yong. Wade-Giles spelled it yung. Mr. Zhang, you have a lot to watch out for in that surname. In the hands of "Tongyong Pinyin" it might get mangled into Jhang. Wade-Giles would make it Chang. So you've got to be very careful. 2006.06.


多些 More Chinese 笑話 humor.

另見 Also see Chinese-English coincidences 中英語巧合.

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積丹尼Dan Jidanni Jacobson

Last modified: 2014-12-05 11:56:56 +0800